A review of the Dubai Police COP28 mobile game (normal).
An entirely normal review of an entirely normal game.
The logo for the Dubai Police flashes on my screen. In an instant, it’s replaced by a pop-up.
“Allow the Dubai Police to track your activity across the web?”
I look directly at my finger. My eyes carefully guide it to land on the ‘Ask app not to track button’. It’s probably the most stressful quicktime event in the history of gaming.
This is how ‘COP28UAE Adventures’ starts. The climate COP (Conference Of the Parties) is a major UN conference each year. If you’ve heard of the Paris Agreement, that was agreed at COP21. It’s where world leaders, climate scientists, observers, journalists and protestors converge all trying to grasp some control over this burning planet. Global agreements are made, where equitable climate ideals such as a loss-and-damage fund, turn into messy reality. It’s the most important 2 weeks in climate change, and therefore arguably the most important 2 weeks of the future of life on Earth.
This year it’s happening in a petrostate.
The UAE won the bid to host COP28, which is occurring right now as of publication in Dubai. In preparation for this event, on top of constructing lavish pavilions and clearing runways for VIPs private jets, the city of Dubai decided to create a video game.
“...video games could engage billions in finding solutions to social and environmental challenges. Thus, Dubai Police launched the COP28UAE Adventures game to raise awareness about environmental issues.”
That was said by Colonel Dr Mansoor Nasser Alrazooqi in an article about the game from Dubai daily Khaleej Times. I admire the confidence, but considering this is one of a handful articles on the game, I don’t think the billionth download is around the corner.
Environmental games, from the cozy to the dystopic, are all over the place. Gameifying climate change is not new, and could potentially assist proper education on the subject. The Civilzation series has been at it for decades now, as chronicled by Super Bunnyhop. But a COP game is entirely unique. What on Earth would one look like? There’s an opportunity to make something of impact here. Could it have been done by The Dubai Police? There is only one way to find out.
I head to the app store. Reading the app’s description, I get a hint at the vision.
“As a delegate at the UAE conference, craft policies, solve environmental challenges”
So, this is a game about climate negotiations. That could be interesting! An experience about the push and pull of debate, juggling the wants of rich countries and the needs of poor countries. Again, this is relatively new ground when it comes to climate change gaming. A fully licenced COP game would have access to a layer of realism, to aid a depiction of the debates happening right now. At the very least, it could be an educational tool to make climate delegation less foreign. Skeptical, but with some hope, I launch the game.
As said before, the first thing the game asks me is if I want to be tracked by the Dubai Police. It’s not a great start, frankly. I respectfully decline.
An opening cutscene plays. A narrator waxing poetic about biodiversity is drowned out by loud, militaristic intro music. The mixing is awful, but the tune’s kind of a banger. It makes me think of Call of Duty. I guess to represent the high octane thrill of being a climate delegate?
The game wants me to create an account to play. Thankfully, I can avoid this, and sign on as a guest. I start a new game. There’s no way to prepare for what happens next.
BOOM! We see the planet Earth. The year? 2175. Zoooom into Dubai, where the sky is murky, the ground covered in sand, and a raging dust storm batters the skyscrapers. The UAE’s air quality is already at dangerous levels according to Human Rights Watch, so I guess the permenant dust storm by 2175 isn’t too far-fetched. Above the urban hellscape is a… race track? Yes, it’s a race track, for flying cars. Okay. No time to question the floating racing infrastructure (it is Dubai after all), the camera locks in behind one vehicle in paticular, and a count down begins. We’re 10 seconds in, and I’m about to start a race.
A robot voice, Vega, speaks to me. Vega is the first of many robots we are to encounter. Their voice leans female (the pronouns used when describing robots will flip between the gender of the voice and the genderless ‘they’). She tells me to get ready. She is far too late as the race has already begun, and I’m 6th out of 6.
My car automatically speeds ahead, and before long I’m driving at a speed of 240…speed. It’s 2175, who needs units??? My car rushes past some orbs, which make the same sound effect as collecting a ring in a Sonic game. As I scramble to keep up, dodging futurasitic bollards, Vega lays some much needed exposition:
“Earth’s Atmosphere Is In A Very Bad State Due To Climate Change.”
“Global Warming Has Caused A Permanent Dust Storm In The Atmosphere.”
“We Must Find A Way To Reduce Climate Change’s Affects On The Atmosphere.”
All good so far. By the way, she is the one Capitalising Every Letter, not me.
“That Is The Dubai Police Headquarters On The Left. As Always They Are Watching Out For Our Safety!”
Nice. Subtle. She continues:
“Maybe I Can Find A Way To Send You Back In Time, To Help Reduce Climate Change Effects.”
What the fuck?
“I Will Prepare A Link To Your Memory Via An Amplified Radio Signal Back To 2023”
What the fuck???
Within a moment, Vega flips from saying they can maybe send me back in time to starting the procedure without my consent. At this point, I have no idea who Vega is. I have no idea who I am.
Certainly no idea why I’m getting sent back in time. No plan as to what I’m going to do to fix this. Nothing solid at all. The only thing that’s fact is that Vega likes the police. This is the most disorientating opening of a game I’ve ever played.
Before I finish a single lap, before absolutly any questions can be answered, my charater turns into a green orb. I float towards the sky, and Vega sends me off with an impassioned farewall
“Good luck and Goodbye.”
A worryingly long load screen occurs. Finally, we open on present day Dubai. COP28 baby! Lots of establishing shots show off the ‘pavilions’ of the conference (pavilions are analogous to booths in other conferences, except it’s less novelty key chains and more greenwashing and novelty keychains). The camera settles inside a building, and the green orb, which I must assume is my soul, descends into a C-shaped robot. I have a sphere at the bottom that rolls around for locomotion, and a stunningly apathetic look considering all that’s occurred. Or maybe it’s the cool reserved façade of a climate delegate?
Regardless, Vega from the future chimes in.
“The key to reducing climate change is sustainability! Dubai Expo is a state-of-the-art destination built to prompt sustainability and circularity procedures.”
Okay? So? Did I ask?
I get control of my robot and trundle forwards. The graphics are, charitibly, PS2 era. Boxy simple envrionments with completely flat lighting. Despite this, the framerate is chugging hard. Just moving causes freeze frames. My iPhone XS is wheezing. The visual overload is paired mercilessly with an auditory one. Irritating robot sound effects fill the air, a cacophony of bleeps and bloops.
At the top of the screen, there’s a progress bar. Chapter 1: 0%. “I’ll play a few chapters to get a comprehensive look at the game!” I foolishly think to myself..
I reach the end of the hall and play a hacking minigame to open the gate. I leave the starting room, and the progress bar fills. Chapter 1: 9%. Not too shabby! A friendly floating robot named ‘Cygnus Alpha’ greets me. I learn that my character is called ‘Minder’. He says that I should “keep an eye out for special treats”.
I want to pause on that statement. As we’ve seen, climate disaster has struck all of Earth by 2175. To fix this apocalypse, Vega sends me to 2023, to this exact day, this exact COP. Therefore, we can infer that this COP was an inflection point, a conference that made meaningful impact on the future of the Earth. And judging by the “permenant dust storm in the atmosphere”, that impact was catastrophic. Which is why I’m here. Whatever I need to do, I need to do it urgently. This is the most important task in the world. Despite all this, Cygnus want me to keep an eye out. For treats. I need to make time for special treats.
At this point, as I roll past palm trees, windmills and state flags, I give up the dream of being a climate delegate. Police drones fly overhead and I wonder what the point is. As I think this, A robot stops me in my tracks. The bot projects an image, R2D2 style, of a smoke plume leaving a factory. The literal Microsoft SAM voice begins rattling off a speech on “Generating Power”.
“Generating electricity and heat by burning fossil fuels, such as coal, oil and natural gas, causes a large chunk of global emissions.”
I wonder if this little robot knows that the president of COP this year, Sultan Al Jaber, is the head of the Abu Dhabi National Oil Company (Adnoc)? Does he know that the UAE reportedly planned to talk about fossil fuel opportunities before the conference even started? Will this little tyke inform me that Adnoc plans to nearly double oil barrel sales by 2027? I fear he is destined for the scrap heap. I hope a police drone does not overhear us.
He then accuses me of consuming too much, showing a picture of a landfill and says that what I eat contributes greenhouse gases. Ah yes, all the food that I, a fellow robot, eat. I’m starting to distrust the little bastard. After bleakly informing me of the enormity of emissions tied up in global supply chains, something that is beyond my control, he concludes with “Good luck, see you soon!” Thanks, EcoFacsist! I have to assume the tin can is on Twitter, doomposting as we speak.
I see a Palestine flag on the corner of the map.
I talk to a bunch of robots with silly names. Most of them tell me that “the expo is full of new technologies.”. Well, clearly they didn’t help much, or else I wouldn’t be here, 152 years in the future, where you’re very-old-to-me technologies did basically nothing to help. One robot points me towards a gear box. I need to fix it so that people can enter the expo. Is this why my future is doomed? No one could get in?
Come to think of it, there are no humans in this game. No animals either. No organic life, bar decorative trees. It’s abandoned like a metaverse project. This is eerie in its own right as a gameplay experience, but with context of the subject matter, it takes on a far bleaker tone.
Climate change is a human problem. We did this. You didn’t, I didn’t, but the global We did. COP is meant to be the arena where We, that We, come together to fix it. What solutions do We talk about? We talk about Loss-And-Damage funds. Of taking responsibility for global emissions.
We, sometimes, maybe when We are weak and tired of constantly having to consider the people involved, even talk about new technologies. Carbon capture. Geoengineering. New, small, extra cute nuclear reactors. We find these topics irresistible. How couldn’t We? It promises to solve our problems tomorrow and doesn’t have the burden of being in reality today. So We go full tilt into these new technologies. Despite the facts.
This changes the equation for climate change. It turns it from a human made problem that needs humane solutions, to a human made problem that needs technological solutions. This means that whenever humans come up, they are on the side of the problem. It’s the messy humans who don’t fit in the neat plans of future technologies. Removing humans hides the imbalance of climate responsibility. How the richest 10% of people are responsible for nearly 50% of emissions. Hiding humans, the richest 10%, the We, get to avoid this fact. Omit humane solutions and you will find humans the enemy. I look across the empty pavilions. I talk to a robot. “The expo is full of new technologies.” There’s no hope in a lifeless land. I’ll keep any eye out for special treats.
I find the gearbox, plug a few gears together. A building springs to life, with flaps moving like a bird. 35% done with Chapter 1.
I head towards the next objective. My character goes down some steps towards a pool. I worry that my one-wheeled avatar would be trapped, but thankfully the ‘stairs’ are fake. What’s there instead is an invisible ramp on top of the stairs, letting me ‘climb’ the ‘stairs’ by rolling above them. I thank my lucky stars as I head to the end of the pool, only to find that while the stairs have invisible ramps, the hedges around the perimeter of the pool do not. My robot stupidly rolls into a bush. I try the other corners of the square shaped pool. All 3. There’s no way through. I double back to my original starting place. This takes me 5 minutes. It is profoundly boring.
I arrive at a generic pavilion. My character exclaims that it looks amazing. Yet another robot, Pictor, agrees, but wonders if it could be ‘more interesting.’ Looks like it’s another power generator and, you guessed it, another fucking hacking minigame. I must remind you that despite me moving gears and fixing power generators, I am one of the robots with no hands.
The generator hacking game is a rip off of ‘Threes!’. After playing for a while, the building springs to life. 65%. It’s been 35 minutes. I cannot convey the nothing that has happened in this time.
Suddenly, I’m told that ‘a race happening soon’. My avatar agrees to race, with no input on my part. Honestly, anything is better then more walking, so I’m happy to oblige. The race controls completly diffently than the one in 2175. There’s no flying cars, just robots running on foot (?) to the finish line. I win the race. Nothing happens.
There’s solar panels towering above me. Due to the graphics, there’s no sun for them.
I nearly make it to the next pavilion when a hedge blocks me. Insurmontable decorative shrubbery, the bane of my existence. I guess I won’t be able to solve the climate crisis because of this bush. In my roll backwards to the correct path, I wonder about the energy being used by my noticeably warm iPhone to play this game. Whatever the cost, I struggle to think it’s worth it.
I get to the German pavilion. Another hacking game. I line up scattered shapes into a hologram of the UAE symbol, a bird with their flag in the centre. 74%. I’m considering giving up when a glimmer of hope appears. A robot comes to me, saying that I can now collect treats. I’m ecstatic. Treats! I rush towards the closest one. What is this treat? It’s… another power box. I interact with it, and the number 5 appears on screen. It’s the first digit of a 4 digit code. I have no idea what it’s for.
Up until now, the game has been pointing me to different pavilions. I’ve been to Portugal’s, Germany’s, the USA’s (which has a Space X rocket parked out back?). But at this point, I get confused. The game doesn’t point me anywhere. I check the map and click on my objective.
”Collect 10 crystals.”
10 crystals? The COP game needs me to get 10 crystals to solve climate change. I’m delirious. I am inches from giving up, because it’s very fucking obvious the game well and truly has. Crystals???!!!
It’s a dull wander before finally collecting the 10th crystal. To lighten the mood, I find the ‘Women’s Pavilion’. Sponsored by jewllery brand Cartier, the outside looks like a shopping mall, with abstract graffiti of ‘hip’ doodles on the wall. My robot cannot enter, presumably because I am genderless. It doesn’t matter. Inside, theres nothing but blank walls. A liminal space, for the girlies.
After getting the final crystal, I head to the Saudi pavilion. I do one of those ‘redirect a laser’ puzzles. 97%. Ninety seven! I check my next objective. ‘Go to the centre pavilion to reclaim your memories’. My memories! An actual thing! I run as fast as I can.
When I reach the centre, I’m giddy. Finally, the conference will start. Something will actually happen. A green pillar of light floats in front of me. I hold my breath. I touch it. And…
I need a 4 digit code to finish Chapter 1. My excitement is dashed. 4 digit code? ‘Where could I get a 4 digit code?’ It dawns on me. The treats. I need the treats. 97%. And I need the treats. I look on the map. The treats are all so, so far away. Ninety seven. Ninety fucking seven.
After 15 minutes, a literal 15 minutes of walking there and back, I get the code. It is, insultingly 5431. But it does not matter now. I reach the centre, and for real this time, plug in the code. The screen lights with joy. Chapter 1: 100% Complete! A victory for the climate! Before I can even celebrate, WHOOSH. My green orb, my soul, ascends. I hear Vega’s voice! She lifts me out of this humanless COP and back into the climate hell of 2175. Amazingly, there seems to be no dust storm in Dubai. My bumbling around as an armless robot for an hour literally mitigated the worst effects of climate change. I feel good. Maybe all those special treats were really impotant! Maybe I did something.
I’m back in the flying car again. I’m so glad to be racing, to finally be doing something fun. Okay, I think, the game is rough around the edges, but its heart it in the right place. It’s simple, boring, and ugly, but there still effort, pockets of joy in moments such as this race. Maybe chapter 2 will be better? It could perhaps have people, decisions, action. I want to see what happens next, I want to see how this ends. I think all this before my final moments of the game. My final moments of COP28UAE Adventures.
I come 5th in the race.
I get a loading screen.
The game crashes.
I restart.
The game has lost my progress.
The game has lost my progress.
The game has lost my progress.
Chapter 1.
0%.
I delete the game.
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The next day, I open my phone. The app is still there. I feel a chill. I can’t do anything about this. I delete the app again.
I think.